Distinguishing my own thoughts and feelings from thoughts and feelings I have when the Spirit is trying to teach me.

I was reflecting on a few random memories from my mission.  I hope this all come out like a cohesive thought but it might not.  If it just seems like rambling I'm sorry.

When I was serving in with H' Casady in AMPPyA one dark evening we were in the barrios nuevos in a part that was close to Eva Peron (a kind of dangerous area at night).  I think we were looking for a house that ended up not existing and we knocked on a door.  The woman let us in and we taught her about the restoration and the prophet Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon and how she could pray to God to find out if what we were saying was true.  We knelt down to pray as we were getting ready to leave.  My companion asked the woman to pray.  In her prayer she thanked God for sending us to her house.  I don't remember the specifics of the prayer but she was saying things that all seemed to add up to making a great missionary story that would wind up in the Ensign someday.  She got very specific in the prayer about how a few days before she had been praying and asking God how she could know the truth and get answers.  She acknowledged that God had sent us to her.  Even though everything in that lesson should have added up to something amazing and wonderful (conversion & baptism), I remember leaving that house and walking home at feeling a little dazed and confused at first and then I just felt underwhelmed.  I wondered why I wasn't jumping for joy.  After multiple attempts of trying to visit with her again and pick her up to attend church services (her kids lied to us a few times about her not being home), one night her husband answered the door (finally, someone had answered) and asked us not to come back.  I wasn't super disappointed.  To best describe my feelings throughout this experience I would say that I had moments with a little bit of confusion, a little bit of doubt, A LOT of ambivalence and a nagging feeling that something about it all was just too good to be true.

After we dropped her from our pool of investigators I hadn't really thought about that experience too many times (maybe a handful or so) until tonight.  I asked myself the same question tonight as always when I've remembered this story, "Why was that experience so weird?  Why wasn't I astounded and amazed at this woman's prayer to God?  Why, as much as I wanted to or tried to, couldn't I get excited about having a cool missionary experience straight out of the Ensign?".  I've concluded tonight that something about that experience was a false spirit--an imitation.  There was no miraculous amazing ending to the story because something insincere was happening.  Whatever else I say would just be speculation but I know that Satan is a good deceiver.

Not that I didn't feel the Spirit during the lesson, because if I remember right, I think I did.  But as this woman prayed and we left something just felt off.  I'm not saying something felt bad or that I felt some intense warning.  What I felt was a lack of a confirmation of the Spirit.  All of this brings me to the well known section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants.

 8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must ^astudy it out in your^bmind; then you must ^cask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your ^dbosom shall ^eburn within you; therefore, you shall^ffeel that it is right.

 9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a ^astupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is^bsacred save it be given you from me.

When I was set apart as a missionary my blessing talked a lot about the Spirit and learning how to distinguish it from my own thoughts.  I'm still learning how to do this.  I know that I couldn't explain those ambivalent feelings I had (stupor of thought).  I now recognize that at that time I was learning valuable lessons about the many ways the Spirit speaks to me and how I can receive revelation and guidance.  I believe Hermana Casady and I did the right thing to try and follow up with the woman, but I also believe (and I can't explain how or why) that those hesitant/cautious/ambivalent feelings somehow protected us from danger (physical, spiritual...I have no idea).

I have always believed that the Holy Ghost is a language you must practice and use to become and remain fluent.  I'm grateful for the ability to recognize my current thoughts and feelings as the Spirit teaching me and not just my own thoughts and feelings.  If this makes sense to anyone else who might be reading, drop me a line.